Life Isn't Fair....at all.

It seems like Sunday is a lifetime away. I still can't believe fully that she's gone. That I'll never hear her laugh, or talk, or see her smile again. I want to scream and yell at the fates that decided that such a vibrant, young, beautiful person had to die. I want to cry. I knew it was a possibility all along, but I never truly thought it would happen to her. I thought she'd get her transplant and live happily ever after. I thought that she deserved that.
So now I sit here, and I think about the happy times, about when she wasn't so sick, about her family, and about her death. I am forced into a position of strength when I want to be weak. I've been through this before, so I know what to expect. That means automatically that I am the strong one. I support the people who haven't been through this. I hide how I really feel so that I can focus on how others feel. It isn't fair. It isn't right.
I miss my friend.
As for my faith, it is gone. There isn't anything left. I am so very angry, hurt, and sad. I know she wouldn't want me to be so sad, but I can't help it right now. I'll get to a place where it hurts a little less, where I am a little more numb to her absence, but right now is not that time or place. Right now its a raw open wound.
I force myself to smile sometimes, to laugh, to be happy, but those moments are fleeting. I can do it when I am not alone. When left to my own thoughts the sadness creeps in, the anger flares.
My thoughts are disjointed and sporadic. Here I am, preparing to bring a new life into this world not long after one that was SO excited about this new life departs. I have the constant reminder every time he moves that she was happy for me, and excited about this baby. I will strive to be the best mother I can be, just as she would have wanted. She had faith in me.

I'll miss her.

Tuesday

I suppose it does get easier as time passes. I wasn't nearly as upset or lonely when I woke up today. I got through 30 Day Shred, showered and am currently contemplating a walk. I can do this, and I will do this. I did come to a realization though. The physical pain I'm experiencing as a result of working out is helping me deal with my emotional pain. The exercise is giving me an outlet for all the emotions I'm feeling.

I am really looking forward to when Sean comes home for a weekend. It will be hard to let him go back on the Sunday though.

8/13/12 Reflections

1. I haven't ever really lived -alone-. I've always had someone else there, whether it be a parent, roommate, or jerk boyfriend.
2. I miss my husband so much it hurts.
3. I am trying to be strong, however I feel like I'm failing.
4. Silence is bad right now.

I survived the first night of Sean being gone. Somehow I managed to sleep, got up the next morning and did my best to keep busy. I didn't eat nearly enough, but as promised to him, I tried to eat. I feel like a piece of me is missing, and it is a very unnerving feeling. I keep trying to focus on the positives, and I have managed to keep the crying to a minimum. 

It is times like these that you realize just how strong your feelings are for someone. 

And once again, it is time to try to sleep. Hopefully we will be able to find a place quickly so our little family can be together again.