It seems like Sunday is a lifetime away. I still can't believe fully that she's gone. That I'll never hear her laugh, or talk, or see her smile again. I want to scream and yell at the fates that decided that such a vibrant, young, beautiful person had to die. I want to cry. I knew it was a possibility all along, but I never truly thought it would happen to her. I thought she'd get her transplant and live happily ever after. I thought that she deserved that.
So now I sit here, and I think about the happy times, about when she wasn't so sick, about her family, and about her death. I am forced into a position of strength when I want to be weak. I've been through this before, so I know what to expect. That means automatically that I am the strong one. I support the people who haven't been through this. I hide how I really feel so that I can focus on how others feel. It isn't fair. It isn't right.
I miss my friend.
As for my faith, it is gone. There isn't anything left. I am so very angry, hurt, and sad. I know she wouldn't want me to be so sad, but I can't help it right now. I'll get to a place where it hurts a little less, where I am a little more numb to her absence, but right now is not that time or place. Right now its a raw open wound.
I force myself to smile sometimes, to laugh, to be happy, but those moments are fleeting. I can do it when I am not alone. When left to my own thoughts the sadness creeps in, the anger flares.
My thoughts are disjointed and sporadic. Here I am, preparing to bring a new life into this world not long after one that was SO excited about this new life departs. I have the constant reminder every time he moves that she was happy for me, and excited about this baby. I will strive to be the best mother I can be, just as she would have wanted. She had faith in me.
I'll miss her.
